


He's always been a jerk

by realfakedoors



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Canon Compliant, Gen, One Shot, Pink Lars Barriga, Sadie and Emerald are so done, This Is STUPID, mostly?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 06:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13852002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realfakedoors/pseuds/realfakedoors
Summary: “Well, I mean… The last time any of us saw Emerald, she was trying to kill me, and you, and all of the Off-Colors. And, um, you haven’t even really seen Sadie yet. And you only just reunited with your parents yesterday?”“That’s the best part, Steven.” Lars leaned forward and rested an elbow on his knee, reaching his other hand out to absently scratch Lion behind the ear. “We can get it over with all at once. No use tip-toeing around the issue, right? Just one-and-done.”alternative summary: Sadie and Emerald bond over their shared pink annoyance.





	He's always been a jerk

**Author's Note:**

> this work was created from a terribly fun conversation from Discord, featuring your's truly, [DirectorHachi](http://directorhachi.tumblr.com/) and [E350](https://archiveofourown.org/users/E350tb/pseuds/E350tb). thanks for the giggles!

Pursing his lips, Steven glanced at Garnet before answering. The fusion sat beside him and gave no notice of his searching gaze. With a low exhale, Steven turned his attention forward again.

“I don’t know, Lars, do you really think this is the best way to go about this?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” The teen scoffed and sat back on the cushions, exuding overwhelming confidence in his own clever plan. It was rather wildly impressive or incredibly stupid, and Steven was pretty sure he knew which.

“Well, I mean… The last time any of us saw Emerald, she was trying to kill me, and you, and all of the Off-Colors. And, um, you haven’t even really seen Sadie yet. And you only just reunited with your parents yesterday?”

“That’s the best part, Steven.” Lars leaned forward and rested an elbow on his knee, reaching his other hand out to absently scratch Lion behind the ear. “We can get it over with all at once. No use tip-toeing around the issue, right? Just one-and-done.”

Despite his worries, Steven couldn’t resist the smile that crept its way to his lips as he watched Lars speak. He and Lion were strangely inseparable since they had made their way back to Earth, and it was sort of nice to see them together. They weren’t _truly_ alone in the universe as their odd, pink, not-really-a-zombie-but-sorta-a-zombie selves. At minimum, they had each other.

“Well…” Again, his eyes flickered to Garnet, and this time she met his gaze with a smile.

“Okay. But I want the Gems there, too, in case Emerald gets… um, hostile. I guess we can meet outside the Big Donut this afternoon?”

Lars nodded seriously, rubbing his chin. “Let’s do evening. Like, seven. That way, the shop will just be closing and we can dodge the goons who took my job.”

Steven shrugged and agreed, earning him a proud hair ruffle from Garnet. With a tint of pink in his cheeks, he pulled out his phone and started the timely task that he now had of gathering everyone he could in only five hours.

 

* * *

 

 

Deep breath in. And out.

Strolling up to the tables, his eyes searched for blonde hair and a dark jacket. She was hard to spot, short as she was, but once one of Steven’s gem moms moved away he found her.

And another in, and out.

“Hey, gang.” He dug his hands in his pocket and, had his skin not been pink and his heart a little deficient, Lars might have blushed by all the attention.

His parents were standing and chattering with Sadie politely at one of the outside tables, and the pair of them beamed at his arrival. Sadie’s expression, he noted, was blank - probably just shocked, he guessed.

A few feet away at another table, Steven sat with Amethyst, and Pearl fluttered around behind them. A little further down, starting to round the side of the buidling, Garnet acted as a buffer between the rest of the crew: Rhodonite bouncing on her toes and eyeing the massive donut on top of the building anxiously; Padparadscha beaming and staring at a wall; the Twins engaged in some chit-chat with each other and Fluorite, curled around the lot of them and spilling out onto half the street.

Finally, and rather conspicuously, stood Emerald. She was alone, leaning against the glass windows of his previous place of employment and looking characteristically angry. Her arms were crossed and she grimaced at his approach.

Lars, now feeling abundantly awkward, scratched his neck and laughed. “This is crazy, huh?”

Sadie snorted and sipped her coffee, and he winced. Leave it to her to make things harder than they have to be.

“Sooo… everybody,” he swept a hand around, from Steven on one end to Sadie on the other of their semi-circle. “Meet everybody.”

Amethyst laughed when no one said anything, and Steven mercifully hopped up and moved beside him.

In his typical cheery tone, Steven smiled around and held out his arms. “Here, let’s do names! So uh…”

“Captain Lars,” Emerald interrupted, stomping a foot into the concrete so violently it created a tiny crater. She marched up to him and poked him accusingly in the chest. Lars merely blinked, looked down at her finger, and frowned.

“Oh, Captain Lars will be arriving soon!” Chimed a small voice beside a shushing pair of twins, which he chose to ignore at the moment.

“ _What_ , Em?”

“Okay, _first_ of all - you loathsome criminal,” she pulled her hand away and narrowed one eye. “I agreed to this under a few circumstances, one of which is to never, _ever_ address me as that.”

His parents had gone wide-eyed, tittering behind Sadie. Lars was pretty sure Rhodonite was going to tear her hair out, if the distressing sounds coming from her general direction served as any indication.

Maybe Steven had been right about this...

“And _second_ ,” Emerald continued, turning on her heel. She sneered at the exterior of the Big Donut with distaste, like it had stolen her fastest ship.

“What sort of pathetic excuse of ‘headquarters’ is _this_? What does that symbol even mean?”

“Emerald, please.” Lars groaned, letting his head fall back on his shoulders.

A derisive snort interrupted his attempt at self-pity, and for the second time he spun around, although this time he thought seriously about throwing something. Sadie was giggling and tried to hide her grin, but he knew her too well.

“And _what_ is so freakin’ _hilarious_ , Sadie?”

“I’m sorry,” she managed between chuckles. The girl sighed comfortably, leaning an elbow on the table and propping her chin up. “I just thought being a captain would make you all, I don’t know, not-you? But wow. I didn’t expect you to get a space girlfriend, you trying to play me or something?”

In retrospect, Lars realized it should have been clear that Sadie was joking, too tempted at teasing him for the ridiculousness of the situation, but his nerves were stretched far too thin for that at the time.

Turning a few pasteler shades of pink, his eyes went wide. “No, no, nononono - Sadie,” he paused, gaze flickering over to the horror on his parent’s face. “ _Mom_ , it’s _not_ like that. Emerald is - she, we, it is _not_ like that.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Emerald put a hand at her hip, annoyed. “I didn’t abandon my Homeworld and come to this miserable piece of dirt for nothing, you know. I thought we were…’friends’.” She air-quoted the final word, lip curling in contempt.

Steven covered his mouth in his hands, who Lars had all but forgotten about at his side. “Lars! You didn’t!”

“We _are_ friends, Em! I mean, Emerald. But you are NOT my _girl_ -friend, but - WHAT DO YOU WOMEN WANT FROM ME?”

“Emerald is going to try to confront Captain Lars…” Padparadscha announced with a shudder, and Rhodonite scooped up the tiny seer and grasped her protectively at Emerald’s reaction.

The green gem was fuming, and her shaking fist and radiating anger made her look about ready to blast the lot of them.

Steven tried to interject as politely as possible, holding up two hands. “Okay, Emerald, please calm down. Why don’t we just introduce everyone, and then we can answer everyone’s questions? I’m sure there are a lot of them…”

Pearl nodded proudly out of his periphery, and Lars rolled his eyes.

To Lars, the sneer on Emerald’s face was actually rather amusing, her pointed teeth flashing as she appraised Steven.... But, he also recognized that she also looked like she was about to stomp him into the pavement, so Lars took the opportunity to seize the conversational reins.

“Okay, that’s enough out of _everybody_. Emerald, go stand over there.” He pointed back towards the wall where he found her, and though her hands balled into fists, she complied. “Steven, I got this. Sit down.”

For the second time, his friend pressed his lips together and appeared doubtful, but he shrugged and left Lars alone in the center and sat beside Amethyst again.

Lars allowed himself another large inhale of air, grimacing at the salty tasty. Was it always that chloric, or did he just get used to not having to breathe? Whatever.

“Let’s try this again. These people over here are my friends and family,” he gestured towards his parents and Sadie, who looked around at everyone else wearing strained smiles. “My parents, Martha and Dante Barriga, and Sadie, my…”

The girl raised an eyebrow at his pause, and Lars immediately regretted every decision he’s ever made that got him to this moment.

“Yes, Lars, your _what_ , exactly?” She asked, enjoying his suffering too a little too much to take pity.

Emerald rolled her eyes and nodded towards Sadie, which took many of them by surprise. “This ‘Sadie’ is right. Get a move on. We don’t have all day.”

“ _YOU LITERALLY HAVE NO WHERE TO BE RIGHT NOW!”_ He shouted out of frustration, and that had been the straw to break the corrupted gem’s back. Emerald’s eye twitched and, after a beat of silence, she flung herself at Lars with her hands set to strangle him. Many of the Off-Colors gasped, with the exception of Padparadscha, who simply hummed to herself. Beside them, Garnet chuckled. Amethyst and Sadie, seated at tables on opposite ends of the pavement, roared with laughter while Pearl and Steven looked appropriately disturbed. His parents were glowing, however, simply proud of their son for having made so many friends.

“EMERALD GET OFF OF ME.”

Her grip was forged from iron, even if she absolutely unable to kill him - he was already dead. Even so, Pearl, Steven, a reluctant Amethyst and a calm Garnet pulled them apart, and Lars decided he was absolutely done with this nightmare.

“Really, now,” Fluorite murmured. “You coooould consiiiider booooth being your paaartneeers, Caaaaaptain Larrrrrs…”

“NOPE,” he shook his head so furiously his magic hair bounced. “Do NOT finish that sentence”

When they were pulled apart, apparently, Emerald had found refuge in the seat beside Sadie. The girl took a long sip of her coffee.

“Lars is maddening,” she offered.

Emerald slammed a fist on the table, but Sadie did not flinch. “You are very accurate in that assessment.”

“So you were the one chasing him in space?”

The gem nodded and crossed her legs, eyes narrowed at the pink teenager. They both watched him arguing with Fluorite while hugging Padparadscha in his arms like a child.

“Chase is a weak word. I prefer hunted.”

“Mmm.” Sadie hummed. “I think I do too.”

After a pause, Emerald shifted her gaze to the girl across from her. “The wretched thief never did finish your introduction. Who _are_ you?”

“Oh, yeah,” Sadie paused to set down her coffee. “I’m Sadie. I’ve been stuck with Lars for, what, six years now?”

“Years…” The gem tapped her chin. “How long is that in Earth days? The system is still fairly new to me.”

Sadie clarified. “Three hundred and sixty-five days. That’s…” After a quick calculation on her cell-phone. “2,190 days. For reference, you’ve been here for two days, I think.”

Emerald tapped her fingers on the table in a stacco rhythm, the scowl on her face deepening. “You must be a very, very strong human to have dealt with him for that long.”

Nodding slowly, Sadie countered. “Maybe. But I was able to get used to him over time, you know? Gradual annoyance. I can’t even imagine having to deal with him like _this_ ,” she gestured towards him now trying to avoid a hug from Steven and toppling into Rhodonite, who squeaked in horror at the sudden contact. “For as long as you did. At least before, he was quiet most of the time.”

To Sadie’s genuine surprise, Emerald laughed. “Him _?_ _Quiet_? I didn’t think it was possible.”

Sadie shook her head and laughed, finishing her coffee. “Yep. He was always a jerk though.”

“Jerk?”

Thoughtful for a moment, Sadie got up and tossed her cup in the garbage. “It means pompous, know-it-all, thinks he’s too good for you? Someone who treats you and your stuff like it’s not important for no good reason?”

“Yes!” Emerald shot to standing, absolutely dwarfing Sadie. She squatted low so they were almost on level. “That is _exactly_ what I am talking about! No one else here sees him that way. I cannot stand him. He stole my ship, you know.”

Sadie chuckled. “Steven told me. Sorry he did that. He’s a jerk, huh?”

“A jerk.” Emerald agreed, standing to full height again.

They stood side-by-side for another few seconds, Sadie not even coming up to her midsection.

“I think I’m going to like you, Emerald.”

Considering the gem’s brow seemed to be set to a permanent scowl, it was a surprise when her face softened.

“You are clearly the only human - or Gem, for that matter - who sees things the way they are. I agree.”


End file.
